Photo from loop_oh/Flickr under Creative Common License

A few days ago, I was driving on my way to rehearsals when a car swerved in front of me. Both of us weren’t going very fast. The driver wasn’t trying to get into my lane, I think he just lost control of his steering wheel without really noticing it. So, I did the natural thing – I honked my car horn.

Now, I’m not sure about the rest of you, but I always thought that the horn was to be used in circumstances like this. You know, to help prevent accidents and the likes. But obviously, the man who was driving – an old man in his 60s maybe with his wife (or girlfriend, oh alright, or sister) in the passenger seat – didn’t think so.

As I drove past, I looked into his car to see if he was, you know, maybe taking part in the very Malaysian habit of texting while he was driving or maybe he was on the phone distracted. He wasn’t. Instead, I saw two old people – a man and a woman – raising their arms angrily at me for, and I can only assume this, er, honking at them.

Well, I’m sorry. I really thought that I was using the horn correctly but I must have been wrong. So I came home, prayed to the gods of honks and asked for enlightenment. This is my epiphany:

1. Honk when you’re late

The best thing to do when you’re in a rush is to just, well, honk. As you zoom through the streets at an unsafe speed, and SMS your friend/boss/partner that you’re “On the way”, just keep blaring the honk so that people will think that there’s an emergency and move out of your way.

2. Honk at a pedestrian

You’re driving through a road and as you approach one of the few zebra crossing that still exist in a country, *shock*horror* someone is actually crossing the road. Since it is indeed your grandfather’s road, you honk so that the person would jump back on the curb and wait. After all, you’re in a car and anyone who doesn’t own one should, well, make way for you.

Picture credit: superciliousness/Flickr under Creative Common License

3. Honk when you’re tailgating

Why would someone drive only 90km/h on a 90km/h stretch? So you get really close but the stupid fella in the car still doesn’t get it that he or she is supposed to move. So you flash your headlights *hint*hint* Still, nothing. So what do you do? Honk. Get out of my way, you idiot.

4a. Honk to wake up a whole neighbourhood

Doesn’t matter if its 2pm, 7.45am or midnight. The world obviously revolves around you so when you drive up to your friends home, you just honk a few times so that he or she knows you’ve arrived. Never mind that doorbells exist – oh, what’s that? You’ve never heard of one?

4b. Honk to wake up the whole neighbourhood – Part 2

Your neighbours must obviously love you very much. After all, they would like to know exactly when you’re home. That is why you choose to drive up to your gate (an electric gate, mind you) and honk till the cows come home so that your maid in the back kitchen or garden can run all the way out to open the gate for you. What kindness.

5. Honk when you’re pissed off

Did a driver upset you? Did he or she not see the birdie you flipped? Well, share your love. Just drive behind the person and keep honking. Yeah, this is a sure way to humiliate the other person either from behind his/her car, or as you’re overtaking it with a vengeance. Everyone would think that you’re the best thing since, um, sliced bread.

I am so glad that I can finally discovered the true uses of the honk. That said, I was searching around the net to see how it is used in other parts of the world. Apparently, it’s used as a communication tool and you honk when you’re trying to send a message.

Try some of these for size:

This photo, taken by thewind/Flickr, is for all you people feeling invisible out there. Don’t think you’re getting enough attention? Honking might help!

This is a sure way to find your match! Just honk if you’re single, suggests Yahoo! Personals in this picture taken from thomashawk/Flickr. Let me know if this works for you! If it does, I might have the perfect solution to being a dating guru! Or even better – a love guru.

This picture, by bagels/Flickr, really says it all. Although, it does go against my epiphany. I am not sure if honking should be used as a tool to promote hate. Got to think about this one again.

Well, this would explain why everyone in KL loves the honk so much. Maybe we’re just sexually repressed.

Picture (and all others above used under Creative Common License) by slimjim/Flickr.

9.06am Malaysian time (+8 GMT)

Disclaimer: Er, this post is obviously laced with sarcasm. I hope you noticed it.

Yes, it’s true. Last week, the main entrance of Menara Star where I work was buzzing because they brought a computer game into the office. Well, actually it’s a driving simulator but it looked like one of those Daytona arcade machines.

Except that there was someone jaga-ing the machine and we weren’t allowed to speed.

It was a Shell FuelSave Simulator which is supposed to test how well you drive, and how much fuel you waste based on the speed you drive at and the amount of times you have to change gear, among others.

As the area where I sit was only 10 feet away from the machine, I tried it three times.

Not once did I finish the course. Sigh.

The first time I went, I did quite well. I probably went empty on the tank with about 50 metres to go. And my FuelSave index was between Medium and High, which is good apparently. The second time, however, I had sort of an, umm, accident. Stupid lorry rammed into me from the back. The third time, I mati enjin at a traffic light. I missed it by like 5 metres! Grr!

So, I never finished any of the drives. Two times I mati enjin, and one accident!

I wanted to go do it once more before they left, but never made it. Now I have to run around town to stalk them. Grr.

Good thing it’s not 100% reflective of my driving skills. Or else I think I’d lose my drivers license kot.

8.01pm Malaysian time (+8 GMT)

Yes, that is an advertisement above. Click the image for more details.
Email ads[at]nikicheong.com to advertise.
LOOK OUT FOR THE NEW LOOK OVER THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS.

Well, sarcastically speaking, yes we are. After all, don’t other people often say:

“If you can drive in KL, you can drive anywhere in the world.”

Well, not true. A couple of years ago, during a visit to Penang after many, many years, I almost died sitting in a car driven by my friend. I, therefore, declared Penang drivers the best in the world. My words were of course immortalised in my The Bangsar Boy column back then.

I don’t know who “some people” or “other people” are but even I, admittedly, have on occasion made these references myself. But maybe I’m not wrong. Take my conversation with Wyn, a friend of mine who has just migrated to Australia, via MSN yesterday.

Wyn: Tuesday I have to go for driving test.

Niki: Aiks, you no license, meh?

W: Want to get local license. That day went already the angmoh tester fail me man.

N: How come can fail?

W: Because he say I never stop properly at Stop sign and roundabout.

N: Oh, yeah lor. Last time I study there almost kena saman for not fully stopping at the Stop sign. Very hard to explain to them that in Malaysia, you slow down at Stop sign. If no car, you no need to brake, just go. If got car, you press accelerator go even further!

So that was my lame attempt at a joke. I don’t know if you guys got it, or thought it was funny, but I think she did ‘cos she used her ROFL emoticon on me.

Yup, cheap thrills. Sigh. Good luck tomorrow, Wyn!

5.47pm Malaysian time (+8 GMT)